Guys who are having trouble getting out of the friendzone and into the friends with benefits zone always have so many excuses.
“It’s because I’m chubby,” they say, or, “I’m just too nice. But I don’t want to be mean to her!”
Sound familiar? While some of these excuses are probably true, they also aren’t getting to the truth of the matter. First of all, you’ve probably never taken the time to slow down and think about what it is that you really want. If you don’t know what kind of relationship you want, how will you recognize her when she comes around?
I know what you’re thinking-
“But I know exactly what I want! I want a girl who is hot and funny and laid back.”
Buddy, that’s what everybody wants. But that’s also way too vague. Do you want a workout partner? Do you prefer women with a sarcastic sense of humor, or a silly one?
Lots of hot and funny and laid back girls may actually clash terribly with you. Or permanently keep you on ice in the friendzone.
Whether you’re looking for a girlfriend or just a fun time, first you need to evaluate yourself and then exactly what it is that would be most complementary to you. Then you can figure out where to find her!
Step 1. First of all, lets be reasonable. Look in the mirror. What are we working with here? If you’re a kinda pudgy dude and you’re running around after fit women, you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell unless you’re Mr. Moneybags. You know why? Because working out is important to fit chicks.
If working out isn’t important to you, you need to be honest and start looking for someone else who clearly doesn’t think working out is terribly important either. That way you’ll at least be compatible. And fat. But oh well, you’ll be in love, right?
Onwards. How important is your job to you? If you are passionate about your work, you’ll do best with someone who is also passionate about their job, so that you can understand one another. Think of Frank and Claire Underwood in House of Cards; they’re a match made in heaven because they’re coming from the same place. Whatever happens, they’ve got each other’s back.
But when you look at Don and Betty Draper of Mad Men fame- you see what’s wrong there? They have virtually nothing in common. She likes shopping and sitting. He’s an active guy, he loves to think and explore the world- and everyone in it. If you are Frank Underwood, you’d be miserable with Betty Draper, even if she is beautiful (sometimes).
Now get out a pen and paper.
I want you to think about all your habits- the kind of food you like to eat, the hours you work, and how you like your weekends to go- and write everything down. It’s okay to be a little bit optimistic here, nothing wrong with trying to better yourself. But be honest. This is your life, and the whole point of this exercise is to get you on track to a happy one.
Write down your list of habits and inclinations in a column all down the left hand side of the paper.
Now take a long hard look at it. That is you, in black and white, and on paper, buddy.
Now go down your list one by one, and on the right hand side of the paper, write down the corresponding traits your ideal girlfriend would have. Once you’ve done this, you’ll have a pretty good idea of who she is, too.
Do you like that person?
If you don’t, what kind of adjustments do you need to make in your own life so that you can attract the kind of girl you deserve? (I never said this would be easy.)
Now turn the piece of paper over. Write down a little bit more about the kind of girl you dream about. You can write down qualities you’d like her to have-
Maybe little things about her-
Her hair always smells good
She’s feminine, loves to do her nails while we watch movies
She knows how to fix her own car and likes doing it.
She’s the best at what she does, and is competitive but happily so.
She doesn’t yell,
isn’t jealous, because she is confident
Kind of an interesting exercise, right? If you think about it, you make a grocery list when you go to the store. So why wouldn’t you take the time to make a list about one of the most important people you choose to have in your life?
Once you have finished, there are so many things you can do with your new knowledge. You can refuse to waste your time with anyone who doesn’t meet your criteria. You can try to piece together where someone like your dreamgirl would be likely to hang out- a car show? the mall? the library?- and go on missions to find her.
Or you can just be aware of what it is that you are really looking for. Even if you don’t find someone who is 100% a perfect fit, at least you can make a more mindful choice about who you date next– if you have a pattern of dating obnoxious girls, maybe slow down and make more of an effort to not do so ever again! So much of our lives are determined by habit, but that doesn’t mean your path is fixed in stone.
It’s your life. Quite wasting your time in the friendzone. Get out there and find the one you really want.