Ever notice how some girls will deliberately sabotage their interactions with you- even if they are obviously interested in you?
For example, our friend TJ, who says, “I especially notice this with girls who are taller than me. Even if she is really interested in me, I’m pretty sure she is insecure about being so much taller, even though it isn’t an issue for me (and is frankly a bit of a turn on.) But they always seem to psych themselves out from pursuing a relationship.”
Well TJ, this one’s for you. What to do with women are are clearly into you, but won’t let themselves get involved.
The issue here is Attainability. For some reason, the girl does not see you as Attainable, and so she is auto-rejecting you. Whether you come off as being Too Attainable or Unattainable (both of which are issues for her) its a problem you must address.
Fortunately, once you understand why you are getting auto-reject, you can learn to prevent it. First thought, a quick definition of what I mean by Attainability.
If she thinks you are crazy about her, or if you have made yourself too available, or seem needy in any way, she thinks of you as Too Attainable. This is a turn off, even if she likes absolutely everything else about you. Why? You’re too easy! In her mind, this means there must be something wrong with you! In her heart of hearts, she doesn’t believe a legitimately great guy would ever put her on a pedestal. (Read: girls who think they are too tall/too heavy/too ordinary regularly sabotage the would-be loves of their lives this way.)
On the other end of the spectrum is Unattainable. Something about you reads as being very aloof, or not genuinely relatable. She doesn’t think she has a real chance of actually holding your interest for very long, and she’s auto-rejecting early to protect her achy-breaky heart in advance. She may think you’re just having a lark at her expense, or that you’re actually more interested in her friend, or any number of scenarios. The only way she can think of to protect herself from getting her heart broken is by getting far away from you!
All right, chances are now you know which one of these types you fall into. Now lets talk about ways to specifically address some of the different Problem Encounters you’re going to run into.
Encounter of the 1st Kind: Your “Type” Confuses or is New to Her.
If you’re a 90s kid, call this the She’s All That movie on repeat. Here’s the scenario: imagine a quiet bookish girl getting hit on by a jock. Yes, he’s hot, and she’s attracted to him, but of course she’s going to smile awkwardly and get out of there as fast as she can, holding her books to her chest. She either assumes he’s making a joke or that he’s aggressive. She doesn’t understand his world.
Put another way, you have a hot young rock chick all dressed up for a concert who gets hit on by an office worker in his suit. Maybe she thinks he’s sexy but she’s not going to engage for long, assuming that he thinks she must be ‘easy’ and doesn’t really like her for her.
And then we’ve got the tall girls- in her experience the short guys always get tired of the teasing about having such a tall girlfriend, which ultimately leads to cheating on her with someone short who doesn’t make him aware of his shortcomings every time they knock boots. So she cuts things off at the bud.
Attainability problems: for whatever reason, she thinks that someone like her has no chance of getting a guy like you.
But what can you do about it?
You can adjust your identity to the kind of woman you’re drawn to.
If you’re into bookish chicks, get bookish yourself. Same goes for punk girls. What about tall girls? Well, you’re can’t sprout a foot without some serious surgery, but you can wear lifts in your shoes, and you can also work on giving off ‘taller energy.’ Yep, it’s a thing. Think about every tall guy you’ve ever known. They’re like elephants, right? Slower, laconic, less energetic. Little dude energy, it’s like someone throwing ping pongs, right?
You can also try mirroring her behaviors. Mirror her style of social interactions, her energy levels, her interests. Now, this is not you pretending to be someone else. This is you simply HIGHLIGHTING the aspects of you which are obviously already there, or you would not be into this type of girl.
You’ve got to be flexible if you want to be a player. Inflexible men have a limited range, not just in yoga class, but in the type of women they are able to date.
Also, consider this. There is definitely something to be said about waiting til Miss Right comes along, who is already perfect for you in every way… but if you have had a bit of experience, your chances of letting her slip through your fingers are much smaller. You’re better off getting all the practice you possibly can.
In sum, the closer you can get your type to hers, the better you’ll do… in general.
Because you’ve got to account for maverick chicks! Not every girl is looking for her male double. Somewhere, in that sea of punk girls, one of them is wishing she could meet a nice clean cut guy for once. In that sea of librarians is a girl hoping for a guy who loves getting his hands dirty and knows how to fix things in the real world, for god sakes. Up there amongst the tall girls is one of them who pines for a little hyper dude who will clamber all over her eagerly.
However. On average, most women look for someone who is on their spectrum of things, and not a complete opposite.
Encounter of the 2nd Kind: You’re Off!
Lots of guys come off like entertainers right when you first met them because they want to catch attention. Being entertaining is how you get lots of attention- being funny, expressive, loud. And sure, you’ll get great reactions… but maybe not results. Why?
It’s hard to connect with an entertainer. He’s always on. (RIP, Robin Williams. But did you ever notice how in interviews, journalists had trouble really getting a conversation going with him?)
An entertainer is low attainability. He’s not building sexual tension or any kind of connection at all. He’s a sideshow!
On the other end of the spectrum is low energy guy, who is easy to talk to but inexpressive and boring. Blahhh…
She wants energy somewhere in between. Alert, interested, fun to talk to- but who gets bored if she is too low or high energy. Right? A normal person, is that too much to ask? She wants to have to earn his attention, and once she has it, she wants a good conversation, some body contact, some sexual tension.
When it comes to being a boyfriend candidate, attainability is hugely important. This is how to get girls. She has to not only want you, she has to believe she’s got a real chance at keeping you.
Now, Some Troubleshooting
Now that you know what your problem is, we’re going to give you a few tools to hopefully turn the situation around.
Try being warmer.
Get her to talk about herself and make her feel good about herself.
Touch her more.
If you think her resistance is coming from an identity-level, make sure she knows that you identify with her. If she’s the bookworm and you’re a jock, imply to her that the jock-front thing is just a big show and you’re actually a marshmallow who loves Harry Potter. (She’ll melt.) If she’s into music, duh, talk about that with her. She’s taller? Ask her to dance. Yes. Because it makes it oh so clear you don’t care about the height thing at all.
And, I can’t stress this enough- make her feel good about herself! Compliment her. When you are having attainability issues- she needs reassurance that you are into her! Especially compliment the very thing you think she thinks you aren’t into- her intelligence, her height, her edginess, etc. Make your compliments genuine and personal, and she’ll begin to reciprocate.
But remember…. you can’t always win. Women who are less confident can actually be harder to hang on to. Sometimes they get away. But at least you know you did everything you could to try to keep her. And she’s not going to forget you!